m e h

i think a lot. A lot. so much more goes on in my brain than i ever let on about. and it's my lack of ability to harness those thoughts into something that's easy to comprehend that prevents me from making more entries than i do...
it annoys me really.

my dad said something to me today that i probably shouldn't let bother me...i see it as a defect in myself already, and am constantly punishing myself for it. i don't need reminders of my flaws. and it dawned on me, most everything i do, i do for someone else. i ended a relationship with someone i cared about, because i was pressured to do so. and any sort of relationship with that person has been severed completely. i moved back to chicago because i felt like i had let too many people down. again, pressure...but self inflicted. one of the first things i did for myself (and one of the hardest things i have ever done) was to end my marriage. BEST decision i could ever have made. that's the one thing i did right. and now, i am ready to make another big change in my life and i am reminded of the fact that i've failed before, why do it again?

You can't keep moving like this, it's not fair. Not fair? to who? you? or me? why is it that i should have to do something to make you happy? when is it my turn? when am i allowed to make my own decision and just have people be happy for me? don't i have the right to be happy? maybe it's that i haven't settled yet because i'm not there yet. i haven't reached a point where i am contentedly happy, but i'm trying like mad to get there.

meh.
fam - 1
jenn - 0

recycled loop of apathy...

It's Friday evening here, the night before the first day of Spring, which is something little_g has very much been looking forward to...she thinks that once tomorrow hits, the weather will be warmer and things will start growing outside. Instantaneously. Aaaahhhh...to have the innocent mind of a child. Those little things make me smile.

And i could really use that after this week. I am two days from the kickoff of the running season here in Chicago and normally I'm super excited about it...and this year I can't find it in me. i'll run it. i will do the best i know how to do. but my heart isn't in it. i know where i want to be, i think i know what will make me happy...and waiting for that, and waiting for the "permissions" for that and waiting for people who should be happy for me to actually shut up and be happy for me for once seems endless. leaves me in a recycled loop of apathy. and it leaves me feeling like i'm just going through the motions because i have to...

yep...pro vitae

that's right...pro vitae (for life). when i first started running, i thought it would be long enough to run a full marathon and then i would have that out of my system and move along to something else. nope. not even close. i ran my first marathon in 2008 in chicago, on 6 weeks of training, as i had just graduated from physical therapy from an injury that still plagues me today. but i haven't given up yet. i continue to perservere through the struggles to get my time down and my pace quicker, i do my pt exercises 5 times a week (or try hard to do so), and find a way to get my pt and running and other training in almost every day, and all this being a single mom. no one said it would be easy, and thank god for that. if it were easy, it wouldn't be nearly the challenge it has been. and i have loved every single moment of it.
that is all for now. this is my kickoff...kickoff to 2010, to training for an excellent running season, to being a better and more involved me.