i think a lot. A lot. so much more goes on in my brain than i ever let on about. and it's my lack of ability to harness those thoughts into something that's easy to comprehend that prevents me from making more entries than i do...
it annoys me really.
my dad said something to me today that i probably shouldn't let bother me...i see it as a defect in myself already, and am constantly punishing myself for it. i don't need reminders of my flaws. and it dawned on me, most everything i do, i do for someone else. i ended a relationship with someone i cared about, because i was pressured to do so. and any sort of relationship with that person has been severed completely. i moved back to chicago because i felt like i had let too many people down. again, pressure...but self inflicted. one of the first things i did for myself (and one of the hardest things i have ever done) was to end my marriage. BEST decision i could ever have made. that's the one thing i did right. and now, i am ready to make another big change in my life and i am reminded of the fact that i've failed before, why do it again?
You can't keep moving like this, it's not fair. Not fair? to who? you? or me? why is it that i should have to do something to make you happy? when is it my turn? when am i allowed to make my own decision and just have people be happy for me? don't i have the right to be happy? maybe it's that i haven't settled yet because i'm not there yet. i haven't reached a point where i am contentedly happy, but i'm trying like mad to get there.
meh.
fam - 1
jenn - 0
